NOT EVERY SADNESS IS SOMETHING WE WANT TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT…
People look at our lives and think everything is beautiful. They don’t know the hardship, the sadness and the tests behind it. Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t be so quick to judge or assume things about other people’s lives, because everyone is carrying something that not everyone can see.
A few months ago, not long after my wife and I got back from seeing the aurora in Tromsø, Norway… we received news that really surprised us.
At the time, we were busy preparing for our eldest child’s wedding. Ramadan was around the corner, then Aidilfitri after that, and my work schedule was full.
All I could think about was making sure everything went smoothly.
Then suddenly Diana told me she kept feeling sick, nauseous and throwing up. I thought to myself, “Eh… what’s going on?”
After she did a test… she came up to me and said, “Papa… double line.”
I went quiet for a moment. My first reaction?
“Wow…” Honestly, I didn’t know how to respond. Shocked? Happy? Couldn’t believe it? All of it. People say… you didn’t expect it, but somehow you did.
We went straight to see our O&G doctor, Dr. Fauziah. When the doctor confirmed Diana was pregnant, all we could do was look at each other and smile. Allah SWT had given us another episode in our lives.
I have seven children. Three from a previous marriage. With my wife, Diana… we were blessed with four.
Honestly, we weren’t planning to add another child. Uthman, who is eight now, we call “Adik”. In our minds, he was our youngest. But it turns out Allah SWT had other plans.
What played on our minds most wasn’t the thought of raising one more child. It was Diana’s condition every time she’s pregnant. Every pregnancy before this, from the very first day we found out… the bad sickness would start. Not just nausea. She would vomit from morning until night. No energy. Getting up from bed was hard. Sometimes even getting off the bed was too much for her. Going out of the house was almost impossible. Even leaving the room was a real challenge.
The hardest part… she couldn’t stand any smell. Cooking. Medicated oil. Soap. Perfume. Any smell at all would make her vomit again. And I happen to love wearing perfume, you could say every day.
So every time Diana is pregnant, all my perfumes have to “take a break”. If not… her sickness gets worse.
Aidilfitri this year was a very different raya for us. For the first time since we got married, Diana couldn’t come back to Melaka for raya. She was too weak, so I went back with the children only. She could only rest at home. Even though I was in the kampung with family… my heart was left behind at home. I knew my wife was going through a very heavy fight.
Every day from early morning until night, Diana struggled with constant nausea and vomiting. She couldn’t even host guests at our Aidilfitri open house like she usually does. Seeing her like that… my heart really ached. As a husband, all I could do was watch. If I could take half of that pain, I would.
About two weeks after raya, Diana’s condition started to improve. The sickness eased. We felt a bit of relief. Alhamdulillah, at least she had her energy back. And soon we would have to handle our child’s engagement ceremony. In my heart I started to think maybe the toughest phase was over.
That morning we went out as usual for a routine check-up at Dr. Fauziah’s clinic. Everything looked normal. Take a number, wait for our turn, then into the doctor’s room.
The doctor asked Diana to lie down for the scan. Usually I don’t go in to watch. I don’t know, I get a bit uneasy with these kinds of check-ups. So I sat outside, listening to the doctor’s voice.
Then suddenly I heard Dr. Fauziah say she couldn’t see the baby’s heartbeat.
At first I stayed calm. I thought maybe the baby’s position was making the scan difficult. After all, it was only week 11. Sometimes the baby is lying face down. Sometimes it turns. It’s not easy to get the right angle.
But the longer the doctor searched, the quieter that room became.
I went straight in and asked, “How is it, doctor?”
Dr. Fauziah looked at me and said she had tried all sorts of ways but still couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I could feel the doctor’s tone change. Slower, more careful, and her face looked a little uneasy too.
I kept quiet. In my heart I kept reading doa, without stopping.
“Ya Allah… please. Give us good news.”
The doctor kept trying again. A few minutes felt like a few hours.
In the end, the doctor said she wasn’t ready to confirm anything yet. We were asked to go home first and come back a few days later for another check-up.
Walking out of that clinic, I was silent. In the car, we were mostly silent too.
I tried to calm Diana down. At the same time, I was trying to calm myself down. I still hoped, I still prayed, and I still thought the best of Allah.
But deep in my heart… I was very afraid. Afraid because we had been through this same loss before.
On 30 December 2015, we lost a baby girl when the pregnancy was four months along.
We named her Fatimah. Until today… that name is still alive in our hearts.
That wound never really healed. And this time… I was very afraid that Allah would test us again with the same loss.
Those few days of waiting for the result felt very long.
I carried on with work. Still ran coaching, still guided the Titan entrepreneurs. Still smiled in front of people.
But only Allah knew what I was carrying at that time. It wasn’t easy, but a trust is still a trust. There were still many entrepreneurs who needed guidance, support and strength.
Then came Friday. The day that would decide everything.
Early morning, we arrived back at Dr. Fauziah’s clinic. This time we were more prepared to accept whatever Allah had decided. After a more thorough examination, Dr. Fauziah looked at us.
I already knew. From the doctor’s face… I felt like I already knew what she was about to say.
And in the end, the doctor confirmed it. Our baby was gone. The pregnancy had ended at week 11.
I don’t know how to describe how I felt at that moment.
Sad. Heartbroken. Empty. I felt like a part of me had gone. I tried to hold back the tears. I tried to look calm. Not because I’m strong… but because I knew my wife’s heart was far more shattered than mine.
Even though we hadn’t planned for this baby… we were truly happy to receive it. We had already started imagining life with another child. We even joked… other people our age are busy carrying grandchildren, and here I was about to carry a new baby.
But Allah knows best what is good for us. Maybe it wasn’t our rezeki to hold her in this world.
Hopefully, she is with her sister, Fatimah… waiting for us in syurga.
Only today do I have the strength to share this story. Until today, what happened still haunts our minds. But life still has to go on. We still had to organise our eldest child’s wedding, which, Alhamdulillah, went very smoothly.
I also still have to carry on the trust of guiding the entrepreneurs that Allah has entrusted to us. With the economy and the business world as challenging as they are today… just staying afloat isn’t easy. But Alhamdulillah… seeing so many entrepreneurs rise again, rebuild their lives and reach their success gives me some strength to keep moving forward.
That’s life. Everyone has their own challenges. Everyone is fighting a test we may not know about.
So don’t be quick to judge other people’s lives just from what you see on social media or on stage.
Because behind the smile, there may be tears they have never shown.
I’m writing this on a flight to Manchester to attend the convocation for another MBA, part of my journey of seeking knowledge at my dream university, University of Manchester.
Please pray that this short trip is made easy. And pray too that I get back to Malaysia safely to be with the entrepreneurs at the Titan Inner Circle Meeting (ICM) programme in Johor Bahru starting this Monday, insha-Allah.
Life isn’t all beautiful, but there are so many of Allah’s blessings that I’m still grateful for.
I believe a heart that is always grateful will always find a reason to stay strong, even when it’s being tested.
— Datuk Wira Dr Azizan Osman